Père Zakaria Boutros
Social Relations Between young men and women



Essential principals

First:  The church attitude towards
Youth social relations.
Second :    Sex desire (Sexual Instinct).
Third:   Places for relationships to
Fourth:   Conditions for the right
Fifth:   General & Private
Sixth:   Steps of deviation or falling
from the right track.
Seventh:    Factors that help this deviation.
Eighth:     Precautions
Ninth:       Emotions & Mind
Tenth:   Obstacles that hinder the right
Eleventh:  Treatment of deviation.


This lecture took place on 7th of November 2000 at St Mary & St Abraam Church Youth meeting in Brighton, England, to explain the church point of view towards a vital subject for the youth. This lecture is to open a channel with the youth on this important subject.
  I hope in the next meeting, an open discussion helps to clarify it, so that they will be satisfied, where the limits should be, to avoid any fall or deviation from the right track.
God blesses this effort, and makes it similar to the five leaves and two fish that made hungry people feel satisfied. Amen.


First of all, it is a must to mention the essential principles for this discussion:

1- Motives: In reality there is no other reason than true Christian love in Jesus for all the church members, especially the youth.

2-  Target: Again it is the welfare of our youth.

3- The way: our way is to discuss Objectively, without going into a personal involvement (subjectively).

Let us discuss these subjects from different points:


1- In reality the church attitude towards the relationships is balanced, without force but not without control. The church is not against youth relationships or makes it a crime, but doesn't allow it freely or accepts it without control.

2- Because the church loves her people and care for their well being, it has rules and limits for proper relationships to take place.

       In this context Anba Mussa says:
       (Relationship is something naturally present in homes, schools, universities and work places, relationships become dangerous if they deviate from the right track, if this deviation is towards maximum freedom like Western Communities, or towards extreme control as it happens sometimes in Eastern Communities, but Christian relationships have their own characteristics and limitations)
(How to serve the youth - characters of the right relation.p130)


It is preferable to talk about sex desire (sexual instinct), as long as we are dealing with this subject:

1- God created Sex Desire for a holy aim - marriage and productivity.

2- Because of Adam's sin, human beings were invaded by the sin virus, which inflamed the sex desire and made it prone to deviation from it's original target, and became just for enjoyment.
3- We must clarify an important & hidden point in this subject; it is the sex hormones, which drive the sex desire. It has direct and indirect effects on relation, a fact we should not exclude or neglect, so that there is care and caution.


In reality there are two ways for relationship to happen, a correct and incorrect way. Let us speak about the correct way of relationship:

1- The correct one: that happens within the family, church, work, neighbors and friends.

2- Advantages of right relationship: these are numerous, we mention:
? Understand the nature of the other side.
? Riches of thinking.
? Good manners in dealing with others.
? To be more open.


For relationship to go right and without any deviation, there are some points we would like to stress:

(1) This relationship has to be, within Mind of Jesus.

(2) It has to be in Jesus’ presence, this means that once the person feels he/ she is that about to deviate from the right track, by help of Jesus comes back to the right one (Joseph said to Photiphar’s wife: How could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?

In this context His Grace Anba Mussa said:

[It is a relationship in Jesus presence, every one of them has his relationship with Jesus, satisfied of His grace and sanctified by His Spirit. So they have their relationship naturally in work and life, in a pure brotherly way. If you read (Phil 4, and Rom.16) will notice a pure example of the Christian relation. All workers males and females cooperate in purity and Precaution. Their names are written in the book of life]
(How to serve the youth - characters of the right relationship. p 130)

(3) Not to be neither in boldness, intimacy nor in unreserved.

In this context his Grace Anba Mussa says:
 [Relationship has to be limited, so no talk without need, or in any subject, or in corruptive intimacy, or destructive talks, but in limitation]
 (How to serve youth - the right way for relationship P.130)

(4) Has to be in selected places like Church, school and workplace, but not other than these.

(5) Meetings have to be within a group, not privately.
 His Grace Anba Mussa says:
[It is relationship within the group; all people deal in purity and innocence. The Church is a united group in the Spirit for glorifying Christ and welfare of all, so concentration on private relationship is totally rejected, it is deviation from the right track, and from those who are united with Jesus within the framework of holiness. Any private relationship with one person is dangerous sign for both of them.]
        (How to serve youth, the right way for relation p130)

(6) Private relationship has to have a holy target and in a holy way  - to find a partner.

His Grace Anba Mussa says:

   [If relationship is within the context to find a partner, this has to be in a holy way, having to the guidance of the priest, and in public]
 (How to serve the youth - the right way for relation p131)

(7) Relationship has to be with respect, decency, and to value the human being, as a human being is of value and not a commodity nor a toy for pleasure.

(8) Relationships have to be group relations, not individual ones except in a process of marriage.


(1) General relationship (General love): it is a group relationship, not for a specific person except in the case of engagement or marriage, within the group and not in a hidden place.

(2) Private relationship (individual love): Its characters: avoiding people and meetings happen in different places other than those we have mentioned before, personal gifts and its dangerous meaning towards the other person.
(3) The ease of diverting to individual relationship: It is easy to divert from general relationship to individual relationship because of:
1- Sex attraction: due to different sex hormones (we can not ignore this factor)
2- Sex integration: male and female sex chromosomes in both sexes.
3- The special care that any one gives to the other one.
4- Feelings: emotional ties.
5- Romantic love, lust and fascination.
6- Self and body satisfaction.
7- Unity: to form single cell.


1- Turning a blind eye towards sex desire and its needs.
2- Familiarity, canceling formality and lenity of dealing between each other.
3- Trying to make the other side attracted.
4- Concentration on one person.
5- Keeping together for a long time, changes to a love.
6- Trying to own the other person, not letting him / her to be upset for fear of losing him / her.
7- More lenity and less watchfulness.
8- Relinquishment for some  moral principles.
9- Sex inflammation.
10-  Entanglement and falling into sin.


1- The person may not be aiming to fall.
2- But he may not be aware of incidents that might happen during this relationship.
3- Example: car accidents: nobody aim's to get involved in an accident, but the element of surprise is the main reason.


1- Don't be alone together.
2- Don't be so close to the other partner, but keep a reasonable distance.
3- No familiarity, but keeping formality.
4- Avoid talking about bad subjects.
5- Keep your private life to yourself.
6- Control your speech and keep it away from bad words.
7- Keep a strong link with God to give you strength.


1- We have to keep away from unwise relationships.
2- This type of relationship leads to personal interest, thinking day and night, then things go out of control.
3- Immature emotions, films and romance fuel desires.
4- Always keep your mind above your emotions, and spirit above the mind.
5- Happiness, and sympathy are positive emotions, but also there are negative emotions like sadness, distress, hate and desire.
6- In reality emotional thoughts are imaginations, but mental thoughts are realistic.
7- Emotional love is love for domination, selfishness, lust and almost ends by hate and destruction of the other partner.
8- You have to keep in mind, a human being is very valuable. You have to look at this value through Jesus. Do not treat the other partner as if he/she is a toy to own or fulfill your desire.


1- Jealousy and doubts.
2- Difference of opinions.
3- Inability to understand each other.
4- Self- opinionated.
5- Self centered.
6- Destruction of everything.

 For anybody who is not on the right track:
1- To have a strong decision to change from the private relationship into a general one.
2- Keep away from the other partner, until the personal influence fades away.
3- Review the situation using mind and wisdom.
4- Pray for help, so God gives you power to control the situation.
5- Always keep good relations with God.
6- Keep Jesus as your centre and keep away from being self-centered.
7- Keep all your friendships within Jesus and for Jesus.

© pour la traduction française